Courage To Turn A New Leaf

Having courage is like trusting a new person in your life. You just have to do it in order to see if it truly exists.

I turned over a “new leaf” recently that took a terrifying amount of courage.  Courage I didn’t know I actually had until I did it.  Courage in more than just a couple ways.

Ask my mother what was my favorite thing to say as I child and she’ll tell you, “I’ll do it myself.”  I was independent from the day I learned how to put braids in my own hair.  And I didn’t care if they were crooked.  What mattered was I did it myself.  Without any help.

Everything changed for me about a year ago when I met Ryan.  This strikingly beautiful and strong young man came into my life by sheer fate.  “Just fun” at first, our relationship flowered through storms and sun into a marvelous romantic friendship.

Contrary to what people say, trust is NOT something you earn.  Trust is something you just have to DO in order to see if it’s there; in order to test its existence.  It is only then that trust (and courage) can be PROVEN one way or the other.

Depending on people has always been a struggle for me.  In my mind it’s because I’m a “control enthusiast” which really just means I know what I like and don’t like.  I’m terrible at asking for help.  I’ve always worked hard to make the life I have and felt awkward about TAKING anything from people.

Along with a network of angels I’ve been so blessed to have surrounding me – yes, real people are angels – Ryan surprised me by becoming this one big bright shiny spot in my life.  He opened his heart, his life, and his trust… to me.

A chain of events just before I met Ryan led me to the realization that I’m capable of so much more than what I’m spending a majority of my time on – aka my day job.  I had to get out of there before my soul died.  But how?  And what next?

Courage.

I took inventory of everything I wanted to do, everything I’m capable of, everything I’m good at and love.  I made a list of my passions and thought to myself – THIS.  This is what I should be doing.  Why isn’t everyone doing this?

I don’t have much.  Because I don’t need much.  My “house” is 391 square feet where I live with my dog and cat and I stay dry and warm.  I love the small space and what it’s taught me about life.  I even have a sweet little outdoor space for entertaining friends and enjoying the elements.  And it’s all mine.  And it’s all I need.  And I’m happy.

Creating this little life for myself and staying connected with the positive people around me were the key factors in finding the courage I needed to start designing my own life.  To turn over my new leaf.

I started talking to others about my new adventure and putting it out to the universe.  The universe, true to itself, began to send it back to me and I left the soul-sucking job.  All thanks to the courage to believe in myself and the courage to depend on others for their glowing support.

I wake up every morning now and choose happiness.  It is a true labor of love instead of a paycheck.

And it’s like I can’t get enough.  I grab courage and positivity at every chance I get, as if I’m a contestant in one of those timed toy runs at my favorite store and have only seconds to clear the shelves.