I turned over a “new leaf” recently that took a terrifying amount of courage. Courage I didn’t know I actually had until I did it. Courage in more than just a couple ways.
Ask my mother what was my favorite thing to say as I child and she’ll tell you, “I’ll do it myself.” I was independent from the day I learned how to put braids in my own hair. And I didn’t care if they were crooked. What mattered was I did it myself. Without any help.
Everything changed for me about a year ago when I met Ryan. This strikingly beautiful and strong young man came into my life by sheer fate. “Just fun” at first, our relationship flowered through storms and sun into a marvelous romantic friendship.
Contrary to what people say, trust is NOT something you earn. Trust is something you just have to DO in order to see if it’s there; in order to test its existence. It is only then that trust (and courage) can be PROVEN one way or the other.
Depending on people has always been a struggle for me. In my mind it’s because I’m a “control enthusiast” which really just means I know what I like and don’t like. I’m terrible at asking for help. I’ve always worked hard to make the life I have and felt awkward about TAKING anything from people.
Along with a network of angels I’ve been so blessed to have surrounding me – yes, real people are angels – Ryan surprised me by becoming this one big bright shiny spot in my life. He opened his heart, his life, and his trust… to me.
A chain of events just before I met Ryan led me to the realization that I’m capable of so much more than what I’m spending a majority of my time on – aka my day job. I had to get out of there before my soul died. But how? And what next?
I took inventory of everything I wanted to do, everything I’m capable of, everything I’m good at and love. I made a list of my passions and thought to myself – THIS. This is what I should be doing. Why isn’t everyone doing this?
I don’t have much. Because I don’t need much. My “house” is 391 square feet where I live with my dog and cat and I stay dry and warm. I love the small space and what it’s taught me about life. I even have a sweet little outdoor space for entertaining friends and enjoying the elements. And it’s all mine. And it’s all I need. And I’m happy.
Creating this little life for myself and staying connected with the positive people around me were the key factors in finding the courage I needed to start designing my own life. To turn over my new leaf.
I started talking to others about my new adventure and putting it out to the universe. The universe, true to itself, began to send it back to me and I left the soul-sucking job. All thanks to the courage to believe in myself and the courage to depend on others for their glowing support.
I wake up every morning now and choose happiness. It is a true labor of love instead of a paycheck.
And it’s like I can’t get enough. I grab courage and positivity at every chance I get, as if I’m a contestant in one of those timed toy runs at my favorite store and have only seconds to clear the shelves.